Susan Friedmann [00:00:00]:
Welcome to Book Marketing Mentors, the weekly podcast where you learn proven strategies, tools, ideas, and tips from the masters. Every week, I introduce you to a marketing master who will share their expertise to help you market and sell more books.
Today, my special guest is Michelle Molitor. As CEO of Nectar Consulting, Michelle empowers professionals to conquer anxiety, self-doubt, and toxic stress. As a transformational coach, clinical hypnotherapist, speaker, and author, she uses her rapid rewiring approach, blending neuroscience, positive psychology, and mindfulness to create lasting change. Known as the mind detective, Michelle helps her clients achieve fulfilling lives and careers amidst today's mental health crisis. Her innovative methods replace limiting beliefs with confidence, empowering individuals to embrace their potential for a healthier, fulfilling future.
Michelle, what an absolute honor it is to welcome you to the show, and thank you for being this week's guest expert and mentor.
Michelle Molitor [00:01:13]:
Thank you so much, Susan. I'm really delighted to be here with you today. Thank you.
Susan Friedmann [00:01:17]:
So as you and I were chatting a little bit before we went on the air, we touched on the whole idea of being a perfectionist. I think you and I have got that in common, as well as, I'm sure, many other things. But that in particular, let's talk about that and how that stands in the way of how we conduct our business, how we become a better author, a better marketer, a better speaker? How is that perfectionism standing in the way?
Michelle Molitor [00:01:49]:
That's a great question. I like to think of myself, Susan, as a recovering perfectionist. I'm had a a long standing relationship with imposter syndrome after being bullied out of my high-tech career as a creative director in Silicon Valley. And it took me a long time to recognize how imposter syndrome and imperfectionism was really getting in my way and keeping me playing small, really. What I've discovered after 23 years as a professional coach and a clinical hypnotherapist is that those limiting beliefs really hold us back. And perfectionism is something that's actually a trauma response. Your amygdala, that fight, flight, or freeze part of your brain, I like to call her Amy. Amy loves you and Amy wants to keep you safe.
Michelle Molitor [00:02:43]:
But she doesn't know that what once seemed like a saber toothed tiger coming at you is no longer that. And so that perfectionism, that people pleasing, that overgiving is our brain's way to say, Oh, this is a good way to keep you safe. Because if you play small, if you don't stand out, then no one's gonna hurt you. Does that make sense?
Susan Friedmann [00:03:08]:
I certainly does. And yes, I agree. Yes. The idea of being a recovering perfectionist, but you talk about allowing flaws into your life and embracing the idea of your flawsome self. Talk to us more about that and how that sort of blends, or if it does, with the idea of a recovering perfectionist?
Michelle Molitor [00:03:37]:
Sure. Well, being a recovering perfectionist means I'm always still striving for excellence, but I'm no longer allowing my perfectionism to become toxic, I. E. Taking over my brain, having me overwork, over process things, or procrastinating or not even releasing finished work because I don't think it's quite perfect yet. And this understanding led to a wonderful collaboration in a book that I recently published earlier this year called I Am Perfectly Flossum, How Embracing Imperfection Makes Us Better. And in the book, we use the metaphor put forth by the Japanese art and philosophy of Kintsugi, which takes broken pottery, puts it back together, and then mending the cracks with gold dust so that the repaired piece, the mended piece is more beautiful and more valuable than the original. If we take this metaphor and apply it to ourselves, and we look at the cracks, the wounds, the bumps and bruises that we've each acquired through our lifetime and treat those as part of our history instead of something to hide or disguise, then we can embrace ourselves with gold, with self love and value and worth in a way that honors our dignity. There's a lot of folks who suffer from perfectionism.
Michelle Molitor [00:05:17]:
92% actually suffer from perfectionism to some degree or another. When you can see that, 1st and foremost, within yourself and then start to dial down some of those tendencies and move more into the zone of striving for excellence, your body will thank you, you'll have greater peace of mind, and you'll start to have more balance in your life.
Susan Friedmann [00:05:41]:
Dialing down. I'm sure you've got some tools. You've got your rapid refiring system. Can I ask you to share a little bit of that? What are some tools or techniques, simple ones that we can use to help us on this journey?
Michelle Molitor [00:05:57]:
Absolutely. Well, my rapid rewiring approach is a unique combination of coaching plus neuroscience and positive psychology and somatic therapy and mindfulness. A bunch of great tools all kind of rolled up into 1 that allows me in my work with individuals and groups to get at the subconscious limiting beliefs that are creating the less than positive self talk that we tell ourselves. So who am I? I'm not good enough. It's not done yet. It's not perfect. All of those limiting beliefs oftentimes are put into place at a very young age. Someone says or does something to us, oftentimes it's a trauma response and we make up things about ourselves.
Michelle Molitor [00:06:47]:
And then we move through life based on these ideas that we have about ourselves. So my rapid rewiring approach is about getting at those root causes and then changing your mind, literally. How do you change your mind easily? Well, this is one way that I found that does it actually very quickly in months, not years. Essentially, you're rewiring your neural pathways in your brain. Right now, you might have an I'm not enough conversation or it's not perfect yet conversation that keeps driving you and driving you and driving you in a toxic way. By getting at those root causes, we're able to take a fresh perspective on an old incident and an old belief structure, reset it. I am enough. I am worthy.
Michelle Molitor [00:07:37]:
It's perfectly imperfect just as it is, and I can put it out into the world. And then use those new beliefs as a place to stand more fully in your own confidence and value and worth as the author, the marketer, the business owner, the speaker, whatever that might be for you.
Susan Friedmann [00:07:57]:
Was it just telling yourself this? I mean, we talk to ourselves, we've got the self talk. So instead of saying not enough, I would be using something more positive, maybe I am enough. I can do this. Is that the way, or is there something else that makes it easier for us to help rewire?
Michelle Molitor [00:08:18]:
Yes. It's a yes and, Susan. Through the tools that I use and taking folks into an alpha brainwave state, a gentle state of trance essentially, we're able to access those subconscious beliefs which are 90% of your brainpower where all your memories and events are stored nice and neatly. And in that state, we're able to reset your thinking so that in a conscious state, which is 10% of your brainpower, then you're able to focus on new goals, new habits, new strategies, and new self talk. So one of the tools that I create for each client is a custom transformational recording. And in it, I'm stating new beliefs, new habits, new mindsets, and a very gentle and soothing hypnotherapy voice like this. And I mix it with beautiful binaural music. You're literally retraining your brain, literally building new neural pathways around those new ideas and beliefs because your brain likes repetition.
Michelle Molitor [00:09:25]:
The more you think a thought, the more true that thought becomes for you. Just like remembering the words from the songs of your childhood, the same thing applies to negative and positive self talk. By rewriting the self talk from I'm not enough, it's not perfect, to I am enough, It's perfectly imperfect, for example. And repeating that, listening to this recording every night as you go to sleep, you're literally building those new neural pathways, which then gets dropped down into your long term memory in your brain so that you literally just start to show up in a more confident and a more positive fashion. I was just on a call earlier this morning, and several of my clients happened to be on this call. And one of them said about his wife going through and doing this work together. He said, well, I fell in love with her at first sight. After she did this work with Michelle, she just stands more confidently.
Michelle Molitor [00:10:32]:
Her presence has expanded and how she talks with their clients has dramatically shifted in a positive way. I just love that. I thought it was such a beautiful statement. It just made my heart melt. It's more than just positive self talk. It's a continuous process of doing that with several tools in conjunction with coaching and support to help you get to where you wanna be faster than you would on your own.
Susan Friedmann [00:11:01]:
I love it. The way you said that, the client and the response that they have, I just pictured that whole scenario. I was like, oh my goodness. Yes. Let's talk more about some of the struggles that you see, let's say, in your clients, which they probably represent many other people, especially some of us who are listening. And how does sort of embracing that imperfection help overcome their challenges?
Michelle Molitor [00:11:31]:
Absolutely. Well, when we're caught in a swirl of perfectionism, you can never quite get it right, you can never be done, you can never quite launch, then that takes a negative toll on our sense of self worth and our self confidence. Right? So when you start to shift this, you start to shift from, well, perfectly imperfect, utterly flossomed, flawed, and awesome all at the same time is good enough. Because if you really think about it, perfectionism is really an illusion put forth by the beholder. Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. If I'm telling myself that perfectly imperfect is in fact good enough, then I can move on to the next thing. Then I have the ability to stay focused and keep moving forward in a positive way, which is the whole goal. It's about cutting yourself some slack.
Michelle Molitor [00:12:28]:
Perfectionists are typically very, very hard on themselves. There's a lot of critical self talk that can go on there. So by letting that go, not only are you allowing yourself to expand your presence in the world by putting your good work, your book, your talks, your materials out into the world, but you're also dialing down your cortisol and adrenaline levels. Those stress levels will start to come down because you're not trying to reach that unachievable bar. It has a multiplicative effect of improving your confidence, improving your well-being, and oftentimes shifting your body physiology so that whatever chronic issues someone might have been dealing with oftentimes can get turned down or even completely turned
Susan Friedmann [00:13:24]:
off. We do set the bar so high often for ourselves. I mean, I know. I mean, I'm just picturing this and over the years, how I've embraced the fact that things aren't necessarily perfect, and I know that. I've seen that, you know, through the years of having done this podcast, for instance, that I wanted it to be perfect at the very beginning, and it wasn't. I know it wasn't. And now, I'm just sort of relaxing much more with the interviews and enjoying the process, and I can see that development in myself over time. Let's talk about self compassion.
Susan Friedmann [00:14:08]:
That's not something that you've actually mentioned. You mentioned a lot of other things, but where does self compassion fit in here?
Michelle Molitor [00:14:17]:
Oh, yes. Absolutely. Well, self compassion is number 3 on the list of 7 practical steps for overcoming your perfectionism. Giving yourself self compassion helps you cut yourself some slack, give yourself a break, and helps your stress levels to go down. If we go back to number 1 of how to overcome toxic perfectionism, it's really 1st, you gotta start with self awareness. Becoming aware of the perfectionistic tendencies that you're dealing with and giving yourself some love. Like, isn't that interesting? Okay. I wonder where that came from.
Michelle Molitor [00:15:00]:
And just be curious with yourself. It's not an opportunity for more self judgment and self criticizing. It's like, Okay. That's interesting. And then you can start to learn from your mistakes at places where maybe your perfectionism got in the way was a detrimental effect on you or your career or your work. And then self compassion comes in like, okay, that happened. That was curious. Not quite how I wanted it to be.
Michelle Molitor [00:15:31]:
Learn from that and keep moving forward. And then it's about setting realistic goals. Like, okay, if I used to set the bar way up here, what if I dial it down a little bit so it's maybe instead of a 100%, it's at 90%. And is 90% actually good enough for what I'm trying to accomplish? Oftentimes it will be. And then along your path, as you're writing your book, really celebrating the progress every little step along the way. Because with every time that you celebrate something, your brain gives you a dopamine hit like, woohoo. We did that. Yay, team.
Michelle Molitor [00:16:17]:
Then it creates a cascade of dopamine in your system, which feels good. And so the more you do it, the better it feels, and the better it feels the more you do it. So So you start to create an upward spiral of feeling better, which leads to more positive energy, which then leads to better perspectives and getting into action in a good way.
Susan Friedmann [00:16:39]:
As you say, in the writing process, even in the marketing and sales process, because at that point, often, you get very down on yourself. The Yes. You've written this incredible piece. You've shared so much of yourself in your book, and you know this having written one yourself, then getting other people to recognize that and maybe they don't at first.
Michelle Molitor [00:17:03]:
Yes.
Susan Friedmann [00:17:04]:
Then you start doubting yourself.
Michelle Molitor [00:17:07]:
Yeah. It's like a slow fog that creeps in. Next thing you know, you've got these rigid fear blinders on and you can't see beyond them. And you're like, wait, how did that happen? And then you don't know how to get them off. And that's really my area of expertise is helping people remove those fear blinders so they can stand confidently in who they are and get back to doing their amazing work in the world.
Susan Friedmann [00:17:33]:
I love that. Rigid fear blinders. Yeah. That's so visual. I interrupted you as you were going through this great flow and we were celebrating our progress. What comes after that, Michelle?
Michelle Molitor [00:17:46]:
Yeah. One of the things we found through our research for our book with my co author, Tom Collins, is that one of the things is so detrimental and difficult for perfectionists in particular is social media. The negative impacts of social media in particular on our youth is astounding. We found that 25 to 30 percent of teens ages 12 to 19, suffer from maladaptive perfectionism. Because they see all these beautiful perfect quote unquote lives and they think, oh, my life's not that way. And so mental health challenges, even suicidal ideation are skyrocketing. One of the best things you can do is either get off social media altogether or unfollow posts or influencers that are triggering you and triggering your fears, your self doubt, and your perfectionism.
Susan Friedmann [00:18:48]:
Yeah.
Michelle Molitor [00:18:48]:
And then the last one that's really important is incorporating mindfulness and relaxation techniques into your daily habits. Taking time to just literally breathe, watching the breath, allowing yourself space to step back from the fray, get out of the weeds, so to speak, on whatever your project may be, and allow yourself to just decompress a little bit. Even if it's just for 5 minutes, it can have a really positive effect.
Susan Friedmann [00:19:23]:
Yes. I love that. And, yeah, when you were talking about social media, it's like, yes. I just heard recently how lonely people are feeling too as a result of social media. Yes. So that's not feeling good enough and then feeling very lonely with probably how they feel about themselves because Mhmm. They're not good enough, and maybe they're hiding from the world. I'm not sure.
Susan Friedmann [00:19:52]:
But
Michelle Molitor [00:19:52]:
You're absolutely spot on. There's actually a loneliness epidemic happening, which is astounding considering how hyper connected we are. Many of us have a phone not more than 10 inches from our hands at any given time, and we can connect with the world. But it's a false sense of connection that is not the same as meeting face to face with other human beings and being in their presence and their energy and connecting at that level.
Susan Friedmann [00:20:26]:
Yeah. We're losing that, I think. I mean, we're retreating, as you say, behind the screens with our phone, all the other technology that we're surrounded by. Yes, definitely. Oh, there's so much information here. It's going through my mind. I'm like, oh, my goodness, yes. The imposter syndrome and just that trauma response.
Susan Friedmann [00:20:51]:
That was interesting that you talked about that. The idea of trauma and trauma response, I'd never related that to perfectionism. Can you talk a little bit more about that?
Michelle Molitor [00:21:05]:
Yeah. I'll give you an extreme case. So a client I worked with a few years ago also trying to recover from extreme perfectionism because she grew up in a household with a mother who was an extreme narcissist and had very high demands placed on her as a child. And so she came to me because she was in her late twenties, was in college, and literally had to drop out of college because she was frozen. Her perfectionism wouldn't let her leave the house. And so through our work together using my rapid rewiring approach, she was able to regain her confidence and dial down her perfectionism to the point where she felt like she could literally leave the house. And, like, going to the Starbucks was a big win for her, I remember, on one of our coaching conversations. And I was so excited for her, and she was sitting in her car and talking to me.
Michelle Molitor [00:22:13]:
There was neighbors out, you know, mowing the lawn or something. And she's like, and there's people and they can see me and I don't even care. I was like, look at you. Right? Ultimately, by the end of our work together about 6 months later, she had re enrolled in school and was back on track to getting her degree as a naturopathic doctor. So it's those childhood experiences of extremes, and it's not always extremes. Right? I had a lovely childhood, and I still have perfectionism because of some of the things I went through. But when there are family members or teachers or even bosses that have these unrealistic high demands that get placed on you, that can trigger this type of response and it can severely impact your nervous system as well, which then leads to health issues. And typical ones that show up are, for example, chronic migraines or even IBS, inflammatory bowel syndrome.
Michelle Molitor [00:23:19]:
The mind body connection is so powerful and that's the place that I love to play in helping folks identify those connections and how one thing is impacting another and impacting another. And as you you get it the root of it and you fix that, then all the other symptoms start to fall away.
Susan Friedmann [00:23:40]:
Beautiful. And this is a great segue, Michelle, for you to tell our listeners about your services and how they can get in touch with you.
Michelle Molitor [00:23:51]:
Absolutely. Well, thank you, Susan. Anyone who's interested in learning more about my work, you can always visit me at michellemolotour.com. I'm always happy to have a confidential and complimentary consultation with folks who would like to learn more or see how it might apply to their challenges and situations. I also have 2 different group programs that I offer. 1 is called the How to Become Unshakable 90-Day Mindset Boot Camp, which is all about overcoming perfectionism, imposter syndrome, and self-doubt. So you can really stand in your confidence and your value and worth and ask for what you deserve and really accelerate your career and whatever stage of life you're at. The other program I have is just for women called Reclaiming Your True Self, and it's really about helping professional women who are caught in a place of anxiety or overwhelm or perfectionism and releasing that over 90 days and a small group format with other like-minded women.
Susan Friedmann [00:24:58]:
Beautiful. And I believe you have a little freebie for our listeners. Can you tell us a little bit more?
Michelle Molitor [00:25:03]:
I do. I have a little gift for everyone that's listening. Susan will have the link for you, but it's to my free ebook, and it's all about overcoming impostor syndrome. Do you have impostor syndrome? Six triggers that are crushing your confidence. I highly recommend you check it out. There's a lot of free goodies in there for you and a lot of great advice, and I know you'll love it.
Susan Friedmann [00:25:27]:
Beautiful. Thank you. And, Michelle, as you know, we always end off with our guests leaving our listeners with a golden nugget. What's yours?
Michelle Molitor [00:25:37]:
One thing to remember as you rewire your mind, your heart, and spirit, your mind will follow and life will show up differently for you. Be mindful of your self talk and start to tell yourself good things. I am enough. I am worthy. I am deserving. And start to notice how the things that you see start to shift because when you believe it, you will see it.
Susan Friedmann [00:26:09]:
Yes. You've gotta believe it first. I love that. Michelle, it's been an honor to have you here. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.
By the way, listeners, if your book isn't selling the way you wanted or expected to, let's you and I jump on a quick call together to brainstorm ways to ramp up those sales because you've invested a whole lot of time, money, and energy, and it's time you got the return that you were hoping for. Go to BookMarketingBrainstorm.comĀ to schedule your free call.
And in the meantime, I hope this powerful interview sparks some ideas you can use to sell more books.
Susan Friedmann [00:26:51]:
Until next week, here's wishing you much book and author marketing success.
